I was gone for a lonnnggg minute, but I am back! Life took a toll on me (which I explain in detail below) and I am in a better space mentally to continue what I started. This is honestly the longest blog post that I will probably ever write, so please appreciate me getting personal. During this week, I had the opportunity to work alongside a Production Group, RAW, for their art show/exhibit this week in Nashville, TN. Nashville was the complete opposite of what I expected and this visit allowed me to have a bit more appreciation for their culture.
During this time period, on the way to the Venue, City Winery, I had the pleasure of having a very nice man Lyft driver. Our Lyft driver was an entrepreneur and had been since the 60’s. Asking him questions and asking for advice, I began to feel like my life puzzles were beginning to form together again. At the event, I had the pleasure to network with plenty artists of all kind (dancers, painters, sculptors, designers, singers, etc). I came across so many people that took risks to quit something that mentally drained them, to focus on something that they felt the most passion for (this is exactly my life).
“Consistency is key”. That is probably the only piece of advice that is the hardest for me to live by. Whether its dealing with “our” significant other or pertaining to your dreams, shit is really hard (when I use absurd language, i’m 99.9% passionate about what I am speaking about). Over the past 4 months, after years of shower and rain, I experienced a hurricane in my life (not literally, just figuratively). There are times we all live each day and things just seem to get worse as time proceeds. I was involved in an unhealthy living situation. With that situation, I realized how to determine if someone is really my friend and truly supports me. Then, my love life. As my close friends know of me, I am not a relationship kind of gal’, nor do I believe that one man exist that can completely change the way that I think. Men are douches. However, I am a young woman and I do (well, did) have a slight chance of hope. Investing time, emotions and your soul into another human being just to learn at the end, that men (most men) are truly the same is the worst. Then, my work life hits! At this point of life, I was truly unhappy,
I hit rock bottom mentally when it came to my career. Only being 24 years old, I do not believe that “I have time to get my life together” (so please stop telling me that). THIS is the time where I am pressuring myself more than anything to figure out life, to figure out my purpose/passion. I started out working a full time job (for someone else’s company) + working a part time job (for someone else’s company) + working another part time job (for someone else’s company) + working on my personal goals desires + making time to travel to experience the world and get an idea of life outside of my community (when this became limited, I knew something had to go). I had to make a life decision. We all expect our future to go as planned at times, but what do you do when you are mentally tired? I had to quit a job that I dreamed of being at for years. Mentally, I could not do it. I needed space. I needed time. I needed time to focus on myself…. to get my shit together.
At this moment, my anxiety began to kick in….. and bad. For those that experience anxiety, you understand firsthand. When I use to watch “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” I would always roll my eyes every time Kendall and Kim would begin crying about their anxiety season after season…. until I found myself constantly crying night after night over my anxiety. I didn’t realize I suffered from anxiety, nor did I understand the seriousness of it until the symptoms matched with me:
- Excessive worrying: Not 1 day go by where I don’t worry about the level of my success, especially someone that have high standards being successful. There was no such thing as having an “off” day. If I was off from my 9-5 job, I always made scheduled time to work on something for my craft. I never made time to “hang” with friends or just to relax. This had a negative impact on my life. I missed out on so many graduations, birthday events, housewarmings (celebration of new space) and even launch parties that friends were hosting.
- Sleeping problems: Many times, I find myself up at 4am wide awake and cannot sleep due to the thought process going on my brain concerning the level of my success which furthers me to use unrecommended methods just to get my body to relax and fall asleep. If not, my brain would constantly worry. Worry about “what if” I fail? This may sound over-exaggerated. However, this is something personal that I deal with.
- Perfectionism. This is pretty self explanatory. Let me give you all an example of how sick the level of my “perfectionism” can get. It was my last year of college and we had to create either a ‘lookbook’ or ‘magazine’. Being an overachiever (I was raised to work harder than the next person/it speaks in my work ethic) I decided to do a 35 page magazine. I went from traveling to surrounding cities to purchase clothes for shoots (used in the magazine), working with makeup artists to execute my vision and hiring a photographer. All for 1 assignment. Working on this magazine, I just remember staying in my class building from morning (8am) to the following morning (9am) working on this using Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator. I was running off of constant Starbucks and no sleep. I could not force myself to rest until I knew it was perfect. It was to the point my Professor had to force me to leave class to go to sleep. That night I ended up going to the ER. I will never be “#teamNoSleep” again after that.
- Self-Doubt. I
amwas the queen of Self-Doubt. I’m such a girl that has complete confidence in myself physically, but success wise, I could definitely use some help. The only thing that helps me get through this is the people that I keep close around me. The ones that tells me how much they love me after every time we speak, ones that send me inspirational books and daily inspirational texts, ones that call me at random moments just to tell me how amazing I am, offer to help me on my craft just because they want to see me succeed and enjoy watching me in the process. For that, I am grateful to have such amazing people in my life and it has definitely taken years for me to build a positive group of friends around me.
- @Quintin.Harrion: The mastermind. Literally you are the half of my brain. Have no idea how life would work without you.
- @Ivyonne: My best-friend. Year after year, your loyalty has proven to me the kind of person that you are. The one thats going to keep it real. The one that gives me my “guy” advice when frustrated. The one that I call after every opportunity I get and you do nothing but lift my spirit and you’re constantly happy for me. With your psychology background, you’re always open-minded when I speak to you about things that other people may disagree with and yet you understand.
- @AlvinTWilliams: You’re literally sleeping right next to me and will have no idea about this (we are headed back to Atlanta). I told you this a million times, but you are the reason I continue to have such a positive spirit in negative situations. I am able to look at each negative situation and smile through it all. I just love being around you. Your spirit is literally EVERYTHING.
- @_Courtsoelegant: Your journey is impeccable. To be able to grow up around someone with your mentality is worth it. I feel like I call you every other day with my shit and you are always so patient just to listen. I appreciate that.
If you are not mentioned, this does not mean that I am not fond you. I love you just as much, you just may not understand how I feel and for that, I just may not feel comfortable enough to speak to you about these issues.
Other symptoms includes: shortness of breath, heart palpitations (increase pace due to worry), tingling hands and tense muscles.
Dealing with anxiety is not easy, but I am more than appreciative for the ones in my life that push me constantly to better myself even with all the pressure I am putting on myself. At times, I wish in my life that I would be content with being 28 years old, working at an office desk and just live life as it comes, but I could NEVER be that way. I believe that you are in control to create the life that you want and I can’t sit around waiting for it.
ToastedLeather has been gone for a month. Needed time to accept life changes, change the changeable, regroup and find that fire in me. Now, i’m back. 🙂
Get my look:
- Extended Sleeves Bodycon Dress: Designed by me
- Electroplated Heel Sock Boot: Topshop
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